Life after 28

 

I always saw 28 as the age when I would feel like an adult.

My Mum and Dad had me at 28, and in my head, 28 was the finishing line for my youth and the starting gun for my grown up, sophisticated life. 

I naively imagined waking up on the morning of this specific birthday, feeling like I had my shit together. That couldn't be further from the truth! 

My shit is by no means 'apart', but I certainly am not where I thought I'd be...

If you had asked me years ago what I'd be doing when I was 28 I would have told you something like the following:

'I will be well travelled, I will have a husband, I will be super established in my career, I will have a hand picked group of amazing friends, I will have experienced all of the things I've wanted to experience, and I will be planning my first child'. 

Obviously, this isn't quite how it turned out...not that I'm complaining. I am embracing what life has thrown my way, with every bit of love and positivity I can muster. Always. But occasionally I get a sense of panic. 

It is no secret that I have suffered with anxiety and depression. I never want to make it a secret as I think the more people talk about it the more accepted it will be. But, with that in mind, I do occasionally feel a sense of panic that my life isn't quite where I hoped it would be, or where I felt it should be. What is a necessity is the ability to turn an unexpected situation into a positive one, so I'm going to put that in writing!

1. I've lost friends who I love and miss= but I've gained new ones who I love so much as well and who bring so much joy to my life.

2. I had to stop for a little while career wise when I had Sid = I took a year out of teaching when I could have been working upwards, but in that time I started my own small business which does very well considering it is now a part time venture.

3. I am not married = weddings are fucking expensive but I'm engaged and that's enough for now so tough shit.

4. I will be well travelled = I may have missed a few countries off my list but I will be able to see them some day and I will appreciate them all the more for it. I've been to some incredible places - the world isn't going anywhere - unless North Korea has their way, but that's another story! 

5. I will be planning my first child = I don't need to plan because we made the most perfect little boy (even if he throws enormous tantrums sometimes) and all the planning in the world couldn't have prepared me for my child being so special and wonderful and loved. I couldn't have planned a better son if I'd tried. 

A quote that resounds in my head anytime I feel a little like I've not accomplished the things I would have hoped to have accomplished by this age, is this:

'Don't stress the could haves. If it should have, it would have'. 

I always find that for every plan we make, life throws 20 curve balls in our direction, and it's inevitable that one of them will hit us so my new motto will be: 'when life throws you a curve ball - catch it'. 

I think that'll take me nicely through year 29.

 

The dreaded return to work... Or is it?

I am seriously torn.

Completely and utterly torn.

I go back to work on Monday the 21st of March, and I genuinely have no idea how I feel about it. No idea whatsoever. One minute I feel like bursting into tears at the thought of it, and the next minute I feel 'okay' about it. But why? 

I guess the term used is 'bitter sweet'.

I think the best way for me to make my predominantly 'bitter sweet' thoughts clear on my impending return to work will be in list form. 

Here is the 'bitter' part.

1. I am going to miss Sidney. More than anything,  I am going to miss Sidney. 

I have spent the last 9 months of my life with him, bar the odd day or two where family have relieved me of him to allow me to enjoy some 'Just Christine time' or 'just Christine and Gianni time' or even just some 'sanity' time. I am genuinely concerned that I may spend any brief moment where I'm not occupied at work, thumbing through my camera roll, looking at delightful little pictures of my pride and joy, and counting the seconds until I will be reunited with him. (I'm in the bath as I write this, and I'm even doing it now, and Sid is only in the next room.... It is a genuine worry of mine! How can I dedicate my time and passion to something that I do not care for as strongly as my son and do a good job of it like I did 'Pre-Sidney'. 

2. Teaching is a career that offers little in the way of 'work life balance'. In fact, it offers almost nothing in the way of 'work life balance'. What if I'm a bit shit at it now? And what if I become a bit shit at being a Mum as a result of also being a bit shit at my job? What if I do both teaching, and parenting just a little bit shit?! 

What if I'm so out of practice that I no longer know my poems from my Shakespeare? What if I can't remember how to teach? What if I can't remember how to plan or mark or compile data. What if I simply can't find the time? Or don't want to find the time when a large portion of my heart is elsewhere.

3. When will I find time to do things?! 

Almost every day since I've been on maternity leave, I have heard myself mumbling 'there just aren't enough hours in the day'. When I go back to work, there will be even less hours in the day, and I barely find time for things as it is!!!!! I worry sick about finding the right balance. How on earth will I find time to share between Sidney, family, friends, work, hobbies, and time to myself?! That mountain of washing is already at the bottom of the metaphoric pile of 'things to do' and I only have 'one job'. 

"But you're going back 3 days a week, what are you moaning about" I hear you say....

Well.... If there are any teachers reading this you will know that 'part time' teaching still requires more hours than your usual 5 day week of 9-5s. I'm only going back 'part time' so that I will have (hopefully) the 2 days a week off, that simply don't exist when you teach full time. 

Now for the 'sweet' part....

1. During the day to day conundrum of nappy changes, bottles, breakfast, lunch, tea time, strops, cuddles, bath time, walks outside, trips to the shops and 'in the night garden' I feel I sometimes take my time with Sid for granted. I often find myself looking at the clock and just wondering when 7pm (bedtime) is finally gonna make an appearance. It's not that I don't enjoy my time with my son, far from it, but I do feel that precious moments are occasionally taken as a 'given'. It is for this reason that I am certain that I will enjoy and genuinely make the most of every moment I have with Sid, when I am splitting my time between him and work, because those precious moments will become just ever so slightly more precious when I am not experiencing them all day every day. (Except for poo explosions and hose downs in the shower - these things will NEVER be enjoyed).

2. I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I too, am providing for my child with my hard work. We will have more money. Money isn't important, but unfortunately skipping the barrier at the zoo with a buggy and other half in tow just isn't feasible. Nor is hopping on a plane on holiday without paying for your ticket. Sometimes, money is required to make certain memories. I will have the comfort of knowing I am able to do this. 

3. I will have 3 days out of 5 where I get ADULT conversation, or teenage conversation. Any conversation is better than those I have with myself on a day to day basis whilst Sid isn't old enough to (make sense) talk back. 

All in all, I do feel insanely jealous of those Mama's who can afford to remain off work until their little ones go to school. You get the luxury of watching your child grow every single day, and knowing that it is your input that has shaped this wonderful little person. 

However, I think for my own sanity, going back to work could well be the best possible outcome. I think those days away from the daily routine I've done for the last 9 months could offer me some freedom that I forgot I had when I have grown so accustomed to planning everything I do during my day, around my gorgeous little boy. 

I do have one final  thought to add to this ever confusing equation, regarding whether or not, now that I've had a child, I believe that I can REALLY have the whole lot. A perfect family life and a perfect career. Before I had Sid, I had these visions of kissing my lovely child goodbye and waving him off, as I swan off to work to be a fantastic teacher who always gives 100%, then returning home to cook a delicious meal, enjoy some calm play time before bed, and finally end the evening with a goodnight kiss. This is not quite how I the picture my reality.  The reality is that my biggest fear is that I will do both of my 'jobs' half heartedly, and I can't think of anything worse. My heart breaks at the thought of being a half assed Mum, and my heart breaks (albeit less than the 'Mum Job' part) at having a half assed level of effort towards my career. Before I had Sid I couldn't think of anything worse than not having a career. Now I find myself thinking that maybe my desire for a successful and thriving career would be better pursued in a few years time when Sid is in school. I'm so torn between wanting to do both well, that I don't even know what I really want at the moment. 

If I had the choice regarding going back to work? I'm honestly not sure what I'd do at present. On the one hand I am going to embrace those 'days off of being a Mum', and I don't mean that in a negative way, but parenting DOES feel like a job sometimes! On the other hand, watching Sid grow from a baby to a child is so rewarding. He has taught me more about life than ANY other avenue.

But do I have the choice? No, which I suppose given my confusion on the topic, is probably a good thing!

All I know is that my intentions are to make the best of this decision that our family circumstances has made for me, and if I ever feel dissatisfied about the kind of Mother I'm becoming, I will have to take a long hard look at my life.

There's always a solution right ? 

This world in which we live

Now, is it just me, or does anyone else feel a huge responsibility for having brought a new life into this world? 

Every day that I read the news, watch the news, or hear about the news, I wonder if I've done the right thing in introducing a little human into all the pain that this world has to offer. 

I am the first to admit that I am emotional wreck when it comes to a sad story. I always have been. But since having Sidney, these emotions have surpassed anything I ever thought that I would feel! I have looked at the human race in a different way since Sid has been around, and I don't always like what I see. In fact... The non pc side of me, wishes that certain 'breeds' of human could be put down, but that is neither here nor there. 

Aside from the obvious problems that our world currently has to offer,  I read a smaller story in the news last week which really really really affected me. There was a gentleman who was out walking with his trusty guide dog, when an evil, sick and twisted teenager decided on impulse to stab and kill the guide dog. The helpless blind man must have been stood there wondering what the hell had happened, whilst the gorgeous dog died a painful death. It left me thinking 'what the hell have I done?!'. How can anyone want to intentionally hurt another life in such a cruel way, for absolutely no reason? And what if anyone ever wanted to hurt my boy? I temporarily lost my faith in humanity over this news and I sobbed my heart out. 

Shortly after I read this story, I popped to my local Morrisons with Sidney. We were queuing up to pay for our shopping, when a lovely elderly lady started talking to Sid. She commented on how gorgeous he was, and he started smiling at her. Now usually my son glares at people he doesn't know, so this was something of a special occasion! After chatting with me for a few moments, she reached into her purse and pulled out a £2 coin. She thrust it into my hand, and told me to put it in Sidney's money box. I tried to say that it was an incredibly kind gesture, but I couldn't possibly accept it, and she insisted; telling me that she didn't have grandchildren and that his gorgeous face had brightened up her day.

Random acts can come in any shape or form. They can be from strangers or from our loved ones, and they can be random acts of evil, or random acts of kindness.

When I weigh the two up, my thought process diverts to my instinct as a Mother and the lengths I'd go to to save my child from any harm. I would go to the ends of the earth, and i daren't even write what the ends of the earth entail!  Of course I know that we can't protect our babies from all the random acts of evil of the world, but we can certainly celebrate the kindness of it, and as long as kindness is around and our children appreciate that, then we have a sort of triumph. 

Everyone should do their best to spread a little kindness and with all this love in my heart that my gorgeous son has filled me with, that's all I want to try to do. We should all endeavour to be a little more like the kind lady I encountered when my faith in humanity was an at all time low. We can't control the actions of the world around us, but we can control our own. 

 

Babies and friends. Hmmm.

I'm gonna keep this post short and sweet. 

When I was pregnant with Sid, after getting over the shock, my closest friends were so excited. I had the upmost optimism for his life with them. I imagined my best of friends would be around us to support both me and Sid, and that they would love, care and spoil him as if he was a part of their family. 

This couldn't be further from reality.

Having a child shows you who was your friend out of convenience, and who was your friend because they loved you. 

On the one hand, what I've learnt has broken my heart, yet on the other hand, it's made me stronger, and more resolved. It's also shown me that even new friends can show more love than the old. Much more love. I've gained new friendships that offer me laughter and remind me that I'm not just a mother. You can't put a value on that! At times when I've felt like I don't know who I am, I have had people there to remind me and bring out the best in me, and I never could have predicted who they would have been! 

To love me, is to love both me and my son. Spend time with us both. Share special occasions such as Christmas (you know who are all are)  Enjoy my company; even if it's just with a glass of wine (or prosecco) and a bit of crappy TV once sidney has gone to sleep (again, you know who you are)

I count my stars every day for those who are around me. 

My Sidney is joy personified, and if some people can't even spare an hour here and there to see that for themselves?! Well it's their loss. He is a part of me. A huge part. And if they don't care about him? Why should I care about them? 

The 3 unspoken words...post natal depression.

 I have thought about posting this for a long time. I didn't want people to judge me or think I was a bad Mother, but after reading a post today I have found the strength. 

Post natal depression is more common than you think.

It affects more of us than we care to know, and it is awful. Truly awful. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I have suffered from this horrible thing. 

When Sidney was born I suffered with postnatal depression.

I will go right back to where it all began and tell my story, and I hope it helps at least one person in seeking the help they need.

When Sidney was born I was in such a drowsy state that I didn't fully recognise what was going on. I adored him. I loved him. He was mine. But I instantly knew that something was missing, and a certain attachment hadn't been made.

I felt terrified, scared and alone, even though all my family and friends were around. I doubted everything I thought I knew, and doubted all my capabilities and intellect. I had always seen myself as a fairly intelligent person, but struggling with Sidney made me feel like I was a complete imbecile. I would ask advice from other mum's and they'd seem so confident in their guidance that i would feel like a complete failure. I felt like I knew nothing, and that everyone else knew the answers. It scared the shit out of me. 

My mum had looked after the dogs whilst I was in labour, and when we brought Sid home from the hospital my mum returned them. They barked every time Sid cried and I just broke down and begged her to take them back for a few more days so that I could adjust to Sid. Of course it didn't help that we had only spent one night in our new home with the dogs before we were bringing our baby home, but I feel I'd have felt a similar kind of despair regardless.

I breast fed for four weeks. Four long weeks. Sidney didn't feed well. He would scream solidly from 5pm til 8am every time he was taken off the boob, and I all but lost my mind. I would beat myself up about failing to feed him with my body, but the idea of bottle feeding terrified me. I felt guilty about everything. All the time. And no one could make me feel any better. Visits from 'Non Mum' friends only made me feel worse. They would pop over.... And I would just wish I was them. Carefree. I would listen to them talk... And watch them cuddle Sid, knowing that they would soon leave and that I would be left with my son who didn't sleep and wouldn't get enough milk from me. I had failed him. 

What I'm trying to say, is that the first couple of moths of Sidney's life were not filled with the love that a new Mum should have for her child. They were filled with fear, desperation and a feeling of failure. I remember thinking at one point that Sidney would be better off with a lady who knew what she was doing. It was heartbreaking.

I am better now. I no longer feel depressed... And I enjoy every second with my perfect glorious son. I love every hair on his head and feel confident in my role as a Mama. MORE than confident in fact. I feel like I'm doing a bloody fantastic job as a mother, and it's the most important job I've ever done. But I do feel guilty whenever I see someone with a new born baby. I have a very close friend, her name is Kay and she has a very beautiful daughter called Everly. Everly was born about 4 months after Sidney, and she is a delight. The first time Gianni and I met her she was a few days old. I looked at her asleep and snuggled up with my gorgeous friend, and just felt riddled with guilt that I hadn't felt the same contentedness with my son. It broke my heart, and I made a vow that if we are lucky enough to have another baby some day, that I would not suffer with PND again, and feel the same levels of content with our next baby.

It was only after leaving, and looking at Sid, and being filled with the most amazing levels of love for him,  that I realised I was not a bad person for suffering from post natal depression. It can affect us all, and we should not feel guilty. I love and enjoy my little boy now more than I've ever loved anything, and if that took me a couple of months or a couple of years, guilt should not play a part.

I plan on spending the rest of my life enjoying every second with my gorgeous little boy, regardless of the feelings I had sometimes at the start. And I will feel that love without guilt, and without regret, because I AM a great Mother, and Sidney is my whole heart. I wouldn't change my life if I could. 

My Christmas wishes for Sidney

So this is my little Christmas pudding's first Christmas, and I've been thinking about more than just the presents under the tree, and believe me, there are more than a few now we have a little boy to celebrate the season of joy with!

To me, Christmas has always been a time for families to come together, and jokes to be shared. From the moment we woke up/never went to sleep in my case, (I used to famously make myself ill with excitement and could NEVER sleep on Christmas Eve) memories were made. I would go to bed Christmas Eve.... Lye awake thinking of Christmas until I heard my Mum open my bedroom door with my sack from Santa, pretend to be asleep, wait about half an hour until I was sure my mum and dad were asleep, creep out of bed, slowly lift each present out of my sack so as not to rustle the paper too loudly and risk getting in trouble, and feel each and every present to try and guess what it was. I would then wake up my parents at 5:30am, which to me was a reasonable time given as I had barely slept a wink, and rush in with my sack onto my parents bed and open every present with such ferocity that I would shake with the excitement of it all. My parents made Christmas so magical that I would literally work myself up into a frenzy!!! We would then go downstairs, dad would enter the living room whilst we impatiently waited, 'to check if Father Christmas had been' and when it was confirmed that he had in fact paid us a visit, we were allowed to enter and open the rest of our presents. Christmas Day was spent playing and laughing. 

Growing up, before my family all got their own families, Christmas was spent with me, my parents, my brother, my cousins, aunties and uncles and grandparents. My cousins did not live locally, so we didn't get together as often as we'd have all liked, and Christmas was a time to bring both our families together. We played, we laughed, we shared gifts, we ate.... We ate some more (always at the 'kids table' (( a little table attached to the big table where all the kids were shoved so that we would entertain each other whilst the grown ups drank wine)) which we can all now safely say we have grown up from), and most importantly, we LOVED. Christmas was FANTASTIC.

(From left - me and my cousins and brother) Katie, Me, Grandma, Amy, Eddie, Grandpa and Nikki) 

(From left: me, Katie and Amy) 

Never have I been so determined to ensure that Christmas is the same for our little human. 

I want to make sure that we begin traditions this year that will last us a lifetime. 

Therefore my Christmas wishes for Sidney as he grows up are as follows:

1. I want Sidney to look at his half opened advent calendar and wish the days away, and long for 24 windows to be open - like I used to. It's the one time I will want his excitement for life to take over the fact that he should never wish his life away.

 

2. I want Sidney to struggle to fall asleep because he is so full of the joys of Christmas.

3. I want our boy to wake us up with such excitement that he can barely get his words out. 

4. I want him to feel love all day long from everyone he encounters, and love in return.

5. I want him to have family around him who are happy to play with him all day.

6. I want his imagination to run wild.

7. I want him to laugh more than he's ever laughed before.

8. I want him to look at his parents and see how happy and magical his little family is.

9. I want him to feel blessed.

10. Above all else I want Sidney to be happy. I want him to have everything he ever desires, that money cannot buy. 

As for me? My wishes are that I see this little boy smiling under my Christmas tree for the rest of my life, and I couldn't care less if there was nothing else under there, so long as he is. 

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love Christine (with a turkey on my head) xo

And then there was a diamond.

So he proposed.

He got down on one knee, completely unexpectedly, and proposed.

In my very honest opinion, I don't know why this wonderful man wants to marry me!!!! 

Not a clue. 

This past year has been a rush of craziness from start to finish! The unexpected pregnancy.... Buying the house.... Living together... And adapting to a totally new life, which would be daunting enough, without having to adapt to a new relationship as well! We have bickered.... Snapped... Shouted...lost patience.... But somehow here we are. Engaged. My best friend wants to marry me, and I couldn't be happier. I will soon have the same surname as the rest of our little family which fills me with comfort and love, and I can't wait to call Gianni my husband one day.

Before I had Sidney I didn't see the importance of marriage. In 90% of my experiences, marriage has failed.... Miserably. Love has been lost, betrayal caused, and people have been damaged. In this day and age, a happy and respectful marriage is often a rarity. The vast majority of people do not have the values that were once deemed important, and that terrified me. If you had asked me a year ago if I would see myself getting married, I'd have said no, Absolutely not. It meant nothing to me. Sidney has changed that. Massively. 

Once the first couple of months of  hard work, adapting to being a Mum, became the norm, I started to feel a new sense of optimism. This optimism didn't spread to all parts of my life, as I've been very low at times, and those closest to me know that all too well, but it spread to my heart and filled it with hope for a complete family, and the joy that it could bring. 

The turning point, and deciding that being a family (on paper) would bring joy to us all, was a visit to the rose garden where my Grandma's ashes are buried, at the church my Grandpa still attends. Gianni and I took Sidney there to 'meet' my Grandma, and we took pictures with us of my Mum and Grandpa with Sid, to lay down where she is buried. 

On the way there, it was gloomy and raining. I said out loud (as a joke) 'oh come on Grandma, make the sun shine for us or Sidney will get soaked'. When we arrived outside the church, the rain stopped..and the sun came out. Gianni likened it to the scene from Bambi where the birds are singing and the sky was clear. It was bizarre. We talked about my grandma and grandpas marriage, and how they'd never spent a day apart. They were proud of their family, saw the world together, had the same hopes and dreams as one another, and just had the most happy marriage. I realised then that my biggest ambition in life wasn't my career.... Or my own life.... It was to have a beautiful, stable and fun family life. I guess Gianni felt the same.

Yes, sometimes we have looked at each other and considered committing murder, poisoning each other's food, or smothering each other with a pillow whilst we slept. But, we have also looked at each other and been unable to imagine a life with anyone else. We have looked at each other, and at Sidney, and realised that we want nothing more than for him to have two parents who love each other very much, who he can be proud of. We have looked at each other and seen a best friend and a rock who can help carry one another through the dark times. We have looked at each other and seen a future whereby everyone in our circle of loved ones is happy and connected.  

So here we are. Bring on the wedding planning and me taking 'Lawani as a surname'.