My Christmas wishes for Sidney

So this is my little Christmas pudding's first Christmas, and I've been thinking about more than just the presents under the tree, and believe me, there are more than a few now we have a little boy to celebrate the season of joy with!

To me, Christmas has always been a time for families to come together, and jokes to be shared. From the moment we woke up/never went to sleep in my case, (I used to famously make myself ill with excitement and could NEVER sleep on Christmas Eve) memories were made. I would go to bed Christmas Eve.... Lye awake thinking of Christmas until I heard my Mum open my bedroom door with my sack from Santa, pretend to be asleep, wait about half an hour until I was sure my mum and dad were asleep, creep out of bed, slowly lift each present out of my sack so as not to rustle the paper too loudly and risk getting in trouble, and feel each and every present to try and guess what it was. I would then wake up my parents at 5:30am, which to me was a reasonable time given as I had barely slept a wink, and rush in with my sack onto my parents bed and open every present with such ferocity that I would shake with the excitement of it all. My parents made Christmas so magical that I would literally work myself up into a frenzy!!! We would then go downstairs, dad would enter the living room whilst we impatiently waited, 'to check if Father Christmas had been' and when it was confirmed that he had in fact paid us a visit, we were allowed to enter and open the rest of our presents. Christmas Day was spent playing and laughing. 

Growing up, before my family all got their own families, Christmas was spent with me, my parents, my brother, my cousins, aunties and uncles and grandparents. My cousins did not live locally, so we didn't get together as often as we'd have all liked, and Christmas was a time to bring both our families together. We played, we laughed, we shared gifts, we ate.... We ate some more (always at the 'kids table' (( a little table attached to the big table where all the kids were shoved so that we would entertain each other whilst the grown ups drank wine)) which we can all now safely say we have grown up from), and most importantly, we LOVED. Christmas was FANTASTIC.

(From left - me and my cousins and brother) Katie, Me, Grandma, Amy, Eddie, Grandpa and Nikki) 

(From left: me, Katie and Amy) 

Never have I been so determined to ensure that Christmas is the same for our little human. 

I want to make sure that we begin traditions this year that will last us a lifetime. 

Therefore my Christmas wishes for Sidney as he grows up are as follows:

1. I want Sidney to look at his half opened advent calendar and wish the days away, and long for 24 windows to be open - like I used to. It's the one time I will want his excitement for life to take over the fact that he should never wish his life away.

 

2. I want Sidney to struggle to fall asleep because he is so full of the joys of Christmas.

3. I want our boy to wake us up with such excitement that he can barely get his words out. 

4. I want him to feel love all day long from everyone he encounters, and love in return.

5. I want him to have family around him who are happy to play with him all day.

6. I want his imagination to run wild.

7. I want him to laugh more than he's ever laughed before.

8. I want him to look at his parents and see how happy and magical his little family is.

9. I want him to feel blessed.

10. Above all else I want Sidney to be happy. I want him to have everything he ever desires, that money cannot buy. 

As for me? My wishes are that I see this little boy smiling under my Christmas tree for the rest of my life, and I couldn't care less if there was nothing else under there, so long as he is. 

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love Christine (with a turkey on my head) xo

And then there was a diamond.

So he proposed.

He got down on one knee, completely unexpectedly, and proposed.

In my very honest opinion, I don't know why this wonderful man wants to marry me!!!! 

Not a clue. 

This past year has been a rush of craziness from start to finish! The unexpected pregnancy.... Buying the house.... Living together... And adapting to a totally new life, which would be daunting enough, without having to adapt to a new relationship as well! We have bickered.... Snapped... Shouted...lost patience.... But somehow here we are. Engaged. My best friend wants to marry me, and I couldn't be happier. I will soon have the same surname as the rest of our little family which fills me with comfort and love, and I can't wait to call Gianni my husband one day.

Before I had Sidney I didn't see the importance of marriage. In 90% of my experiences, marriage has failed.... Miserably. Love has been lost, betrayal caused, and people have been damaged. In this day and age, a happy and respectful marriage is often a rarity. The vast majority of people do not have the values that were once deemed important, and that terrified me. If you had asked me a year ago if I would see myself getting married, I'd have said no, Absolutely not. It meant nothing to me. Sidney has changed that. Massively. 

Once the first couple of months of  hard work, adapting to being a Mum, became the norm, I started to feel a new sense of optimism. This optimism didn't spread to all parts of my life, as I've been very low at times, and those closest to me know that all too well, but it spread to my heart and filled it with hope for a complete family, and the joy that it could bring. 

The turning point, and deciding that being a family (on paper) would bring joy to us all, was a visit to the rose garden where my Grandma's ashes are buried, at the church my Grandpa still attends. Gianni and I took Sidney there to 'meet' my Grandma, and we took pictures with us of my Mum and Grandpa with Sid, to lay down where she is buried. 

On the way there, it was gloomy and raining. I said out loud (as a joke) 'oh come on Grandma, make the sun shine for us or Sidney will get soaked'. When we arrived outside the church, the rain stopped..and the sun came out. Gianni likened it to the scene from Bambi where the birds are singing and the sky was clear. It was bizarre. We talked about my grandma and grandpas marriage, and how they'd never spent a day apart. They were proud of their family, saw the world together, had the same hopes and dreams as one another, and just had the most happy marriage. I realised then that my biggest ambition in life wasn't my career.... Or my own life.... It was to have a beautiful, stable and fun family life. I guess Gianni felt the same.

Yes, sometimes we have looked at each other and considered committing murder, poisoning each other's food, or smothering each other with a pillow whilst we slept. But, we have also looked at each other and been unable to imagine a life with anyone else. We have looked at each other, and at Sidney, and realised that we want nothing more than for him to have two parents who love each other very much, who he can be proud of. We have looked at each other and seen a best friend and a rock who can help carry one another through the dark times. We have looked at each other and seen a future whereby everyone in our circle of loved ones is happy and connected.  

So here we are. Bring on the wedding planning and me taking 'Lawani as a surname'. 

The first joy of parenthood

I thought I would base my first blog post on the way my nearest and dearest interacted with Sidney, and how the love has grown from birth to now. For me, this has been one of my favourite elements of being a Mama. First and foremost, seeing my mum and dad and best friends with Sid. And then G's mum and dad with him. 

The two nights I spent in hospital with Sidney were a blur to say the least. In between desperately trying to succeed at breast feeding, trying to sleep when even if my son was sleeping soundly,  the other three babies were screaming the ward down, and generally panicking because, despite carrying him for 9 months, I couldn't quite grasp the fact that I was responsible for this little being, I didn't REALLY have any concept of time or what was going on. 

However, the visits I remember clear as day, as they helped me fall in love with my son, and fall even more in love with those who surrounded me. I thought it would be nice to document them all.

Sidney was born at 3.33am on the 24th May 2015. Aside from me and Gianni, my mum was the first on the scene (of course). My Mama. My heart. My rock. My support system. My best friend. She arrived with some 'essentials' at about 9am on the day he was born. She was initially banned from coming into the ward, as visiting hours didn't start until 2pm, but one heavenly midwife remembered that she had popped up the night before with 'sweets to keep me going' during the labour, thus making her an 'official birthing partner', so she was allowed to pop in with her balloon, and tears, albeit briefly. The look in her eyes in the few moments she got to spend with her grandson was enough to cement the fact that my family now had another human to protect and love.

I'd like to say that I remember the order that everyone arrived in after that, but in my sleep deprived state I'm afraid I don't. So here are a few pictures. (I didn't take pictures of lots of key people with Sidney, simply because i was too busy surviving my new life, so forgive me if some VERY key people are missing) 

Sidney and his Great Grandpa (my grandpa) 

Sidney and his Great Granny (my Granny) 

Sidney and his Great Grandpe (or Gi Gi as he likes to be called) (my Grandpe) 

 

Whilst I was in hospital, me, Sidney and Gianni were visited by the following people:

Sidney and his uncle Eddie (my bro) 

My mum

My stepdad Kenny

My Dad

My beloved Grandpa

My stepmum Paula

My brother

My brothers girlfriend, Jo 

My Grandpe and his wife Arlene

My Granny

Gianni's Mum, Dad and brother 

My two best (and oldest) friends, Yasmin and Megan. I remember Yas sobbing the second she popped her head around the curtain that separated mine and Sid's bed from the rest of the ward. I almost had to prize Sid from her arms when she left. I remember feeling that no one could possibly love my child more, even if they had tried. I remember her saying both then, and later on in Sidney's life, that 'she felt all warm inside' when she was around him. Nothing could have touched me more. 

Each meeting made my tired and weary heart melt. Seeing my loved ones holding my most loved one just completed my world. I loved my Sidney, but recognising the importance he had in the lives of my family and friends made that infatuation grow. 

Seeing my tiny son in my 6,6 brothers huge arms made me want to cry, and seeing my beloved Grandpa holding back the tears whilst be held him was just beautiful.

It was almost as if I took a backseat in Sidney's life those first two days. Like everyone knew I had my whole life with him, and had been with him for several hours before anyone else waltzed into our ward, and that they needed their chance to bond. And bond they did.

Even now, when I see the growing relationship that Sidney has with my family and friends, my heart grows a bit bigger, and a bit stronger. I didn't think I could have loved my boy anymore, until I saw how much the people who meant the world to me, loved him.

Their love grows each time they see him, and subsequently, so does mine.

There have been loves since the hospital days, Lucy, Katie, Kay, Ilona, Leonie, Laura, Ayisha, Katherine, Ottie, Anna, Molly, my GodMum Gill, Gianni's best friend Dave, and many more. I won't name everyone for fear of forgetting someone, but you know who you are, and more importantly, Sidney knows who you are. 

There have also been new loves his own age, introduced to his life. Kerry and Regan. Jenny and Molly. Emily and Eadie. Every time Sidney is with one of his little friends I want to cry.

I knew life could be beautiful, but until I had Sid there were areas of beauty that were not available to me. Now everything is in view, and I love my son, and everyone who is in his life, more than I ever imagined. 

I will end this blog post with my favourite quote. 

'In the end, all that matters is that we loved'.

I hope you all take some joy and love from this post.

Love Christine 

A Mother and son were born

Many of you will read this, having followed me on Instagram for a while, so will know plenty about my gorgeous son. Some of you may be completely new, and know nothing of him... Or me yet.... But you will. 

See... My reason for starting this blog isn't just to document the life of my son and look back on the details with joy and happiness. As well as the beauty of parenthood, I want to be brutally honest about motherhood and family life, and that doesn't always include sunny skies and white clouds. Ultimately... The life of Sid can only bring me joy, as i am his Mama, and I adore him. But it is nice to know you are not on your own when it comes to the trials and tribulations of raising a small human that belongs to you. In the early days, I honestly felt that I was the only one who couldn't quite 'get the hang' of being a Mama. I felt as if everyone was nailing it, and I was failing it. It was only when I made other 'mummy friends', that I realised that everyone has their struggles, and I became to love (and succeed at) being a Mother. The trick was to stop being so hard on myself and I nailed it eventually. Well and bloody truly!

A little bit about me for those who don't know. I'm Christine, I'm 26, I'm an English teacher on maternity leave, and Sidney is just over 6 months old. I thought I could tell you a little about my life, pre-Sidney and my feelings on his creation. 

Sidney was completely unexpected. COMPLETELY. Now, I know what a blessing that is. I know that there are many who would give limbs to fall pregnant so unexpectedly, and that I am very very fortunate. But, with that said, the timing couldn't have been worse! I had just got back from a fairly 'free spirited' 6 week long trip to Uganda, doing voluntary work, and was already planning my next 'adventure'. I had just started out in my teaching career, and most problematic, was I was also just starting out in a new relationship. I went to my GP complaining of stomach cramps, and sickness, thinking I had picked up some kind of exotic Lurgy from Uganda. When he made me do a pregnancy test 'just to rule it out' I couldn't have felt more confident. I'd been on the pill for ten years, and 'accidents' just didn't happen to me. When my GP told me I was pregnant, I asked him to stop joking with me and get to the bottom of what was really wrong. He wasn't joking. GP's don't joke. What the hell was I thinking?! I raced home in the car, made Gianni buy some pregnancy tests, and I did them. 

 And that was that! I was pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant to be precise, and I was going to embrace it. I kissed goodbye to future adventures around the world (for the time being), I kissed goodbye to an 'easy' life, I kissed goodbye to focusing solely on my career, and I kissed goodbye to living a life just for myself. At the time these felt like big sacrifices, and don't get me wrong, they were. But oh.... What I have gained. What I have gained means so much more than any of those things, and no it has not been easy, or a smooth ride, but it has been a ride that I wouldn't want to miss out on, if someone paid me all the money in the world.

Sidney was born, and so was the Christine I will be for the rest of my life

I'm still learning who she is.... Those around me are still learning (some are struggling but maybe that's my fault) to learn who she is. But ultimately, me, my partner in crime, and Sidney are learning who we are as a family, and finding our feet in our home and in our lives.

When a baby is born, of course lots of emphasis is placed on the NEW life, but the baby is not the only new life that is born during a birth. A Mother is also born. And that journey is just as epic as the journey of the new baby. This blog is my journey. My honest, explicit and non edited journey. I hope you enjoy it.