The dreaded return to work... Or is it?

I am seriously torn.

Completely and utterly torn.

I go back to work on Monday the 21st of March, and I genuinely have no idea how I feel about it. No idea whatsoever. One minute I feel like bursting into tears at the thought of it, and the next minute I feel 'okay' about it. But why? 

I guess the term used is 'bitter sweet'.

I think the best way for me to make my predominantly 'bitter sweet' thoughts clear on my impending return to work will be in list form. 

Here is the 'bitter' part.

1. I am going to miss Sidney. More than anything,  I am going to miss Sidney. 

I have spent the last 9 months of my life with him, bar the odd day or two where family have relieved me of him to allow me to enjoy some 'Just Christine time' or 'just Christine and Gianni time' or even just some 'sanity' time. I am genuinely concerned that I may spend any brief moment where I'm not occupied at work, thumbing through my camera roll, looking at delightful little pictures of my pride and joy, and counting the seconds until I will be reunited with him. (I'm in the bath as I write this, and I'm even doing it now, and Sid is only in the next room.... It is a genuine worry of mine! How can I dedicate my time and passion to something that I do not care for as strongly as my son and do a good job of it like I did 'Pre-Sidney'. 

2. Teaching is a career that offers little in the way of 'work life balance'. In fact, it offers almost nothing in the way of 'work life balance'. What if I'm a bit shit at it now? And what if I become a bit shit at being a Mum as a result of also being a bit shit at my job? What if I do both teaching, and parenting just a little bit shit?! 

What if I'm so out of practice that I no longer know my poems from my Shakespeare? What if I can't remember how to teach? What if I can't remember how to plan or mark or compile data. What if I simply can't find the time? Or don't want to find the time when a large portion of my heart is elsewhere.

3. When will I find time to do things?! 

Almost every day since I've been on maternity leave, I have heard myself mumbling 'there just aren't enough hours in the day'. When I go back to work, there will be even less hours in the day, and I barely find time for things as it is!!!!! I worry sick about finding the right balance. How on earth will I find time to share between Sidney, family, friends, work, hobbies, and time to myself?! That mountain of washing is already at the bottom of the metaphoric pile of 'things to do' and I only have 'one job'. 

"But you're going back 3 days a week, what are you moaning about" I hear you say....

Well.... If there are any teachers reading this you will know that 'part time' teaching still requires more hours than your usual 5 day week of 9-5s. I'm only going back 'part time' so that I will have (hopefully) the 2 days a week off, that simply don't exist when you teach full time. 

Now for the 'sweet' part....

1. During the day to day conundrum of nappy changes, bottles, breakfast, lunch, tea time, strops, cuddles, bath time, walks outside, trips to the shops and 'in the night garden' I feel I sometimes take my time with Sid for granted. I often find myself looking at the clock and just wondering when 7pm (bedtime) is finally gonna make an appearance. It's not that I don't enjoy my time with my son, far from it, but I do feel that precious moments are occasionally taken as a 'given'. It is for this reason that I am certain that I will enjoy and genuinely make the most of every moment I have with Sid, when I am splitting my time between him and work, because those precious moments will become just ever so slightly more precious when I am not experiencing them all day every day. (Except for poo explosions and hose downs in the shower - these things will NEVER be enjoyed).

2. I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I too, am providing for my child with my hard work. We will have more money. Money isn't important, but unfortunately skipping the barrier at the zoo with a buggy and other half in tow just isn't feasible. Nor is hopping on a plane on holiday without paying for your ticket. Sometimes, money is required to make certain memories. I will have the comfort of knowing I am able to do this. 

3. I will have 3 days out of 5 where I get ADULT conversation, or teenage conversation. Any conversation is better than those I have with myself on a day to day basis whilst Sid isn't old enough to (make sense) talk back. 

All in all, I do feel insanely jealous of those Mama's who can afford to remain off work until their little ones go to school. You get the luxury of watching your child grow every single day, and knowing that it is your input that has shaped this wonderful little person. 

However, I think for my own sanity, going back to work could well be the best possible outcome. I think those days away from the daily routine I've done for the last 9 months could offer me some freedom that I forgot I had when I have grown so accustomed to planning everything I do during my day, around my gorgeous little boy. 

I do have one final  thought to add to this ever confusing equation, regarding whether or not, now that I've had a child, I believe that I can REALLY have the whole lot. A perfect family life and a perfect career. Before I had Sid, I had these visions of kissing my lovely child goodbye and waving him off, as I swan off to work to be a fantastic teacher who always gives 100%, then returning home to cook a delicious meal, enjoy some calm play time before bed, and finally end the evening with a goodnight kiss. This is not quite how I the picture my reality.  The reality is that my biggest fear is that I will do both of my 'jobs' half heartedly, and I can't think of anything worse. My heart breaks at the thought of being a half assed Mum, and my heart breaks (albeit less than the 'Mum Job' part) at having a half assed level of effort towards my career. Before I had Sid I couldn't think of anything worse than not having a career. Now I find myself thinking that maybe my desire for a successful and thriving career would be better pursued in a few years time when Sid is in school. I'm so torn between wanting to do both well, that I don't even know what I really want at the moment. 

If I had the choice regarding going back to work? I'm honestly not sure what I'd do at present. On the one hand I am going to embrace those 'days off of being a Mum', and I don't mean that in a negative way, but parenting DOES feel like a job sometimes! On the other hand, watching Sid grow from a baby to a child is so rewarding. He has taught me more about life than ANY other avenue.

But do I have the choice? No, which I suppose given my confusion on the topic, is probably a good thing!

All I know is that my intentions are to make the best of this decision that our family circumstances has made for me, and if I ever feel dissatisfied about the kind of Mother I'm becoming, I will have to take a long hard look at my life.

There's always a solution right ?