I have thought about posting this for a long time. I didn't want people to judge me or think I was a bad Mother, but after reading a post today I have found the strength.
Post natal depression is more common than you think.
It affects more of us than we care to know, and it is awful. Truly awful. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I have suffered from this horrible thing.
When Sidney was born I suffered with postnatal depression.
I will go right back to where it all began and tell my story, and I hope it helps at least one person in seeking the help they need.
When Sidney was born I was in such a drowsy state that I didn't fully recognise what was going on. I adored him. I loved him. He was mine. But I instantly knew that something was missing, and a certain attachment hadn't been made.
I felt terrified, scared and alone, even though all my family and friends were around. I doubted everything I thought I knew, and doubted all my capabilities and intellect. I had always seen myself as a fairly intelligent person, but struggling with Sidney made me feel like I was a complete imbecile. I would ask advice from other mum's and they'd seem so confident in their guidance that i would feel like a complete failure. I felt like I knew nothing, and that everyone else knew the answers. It scared the shit out of me.
My mum had looked after the dogs whilst I was in labour, and when we brought Sid home from the hospital my mum returned them. They barked every time Sid cried and I just broke down and begged her to take them back for a few more days so that I could adjust to Sid. Of course it didn't help that we had only spent one night in our new home with the dogs before we were bringing our baby home, but I feel I'd have felt a similar kind of despair regardless.
I breast fed for four weeks. Four long weeks. Sidney didn't feed well. He would scream solidly from 5pm til 8am every time he was taken off the boob, and I all but lost my mind. I would beat myself up about failing to feed him with my body, but the idea of bottle feeding terrified me. I felt guilty about everything. All the time. And no one could make me feel any better. Visits from 'Non Mum' friends only made me feel worse. They would pop over.... And I would just wish I was them. Carefree. I would listen to them talk... And watch them cuddle Sid, knowing that they would soon leave and that I would be left with my son who didn't sleep and wouldn't get enough milk from me. I had failed him.
What I'm trying to say, is that the first couple of moths of Sidney's life were not filled with the love that a new Mum should have for her child. They were filled with fear, desperation and a feeling of failure. I remember thinking at one point that Sidney would be better off with a lady who knew what she was doing. It was heartbreaking.
I am better now. I no longer feel depressed... And I enjoy every second with my perfect glorious son. I love every hair on his head and feel confident in my role as a Mama. MORE than confident in fact. I feel like I'm doing a bloody fantastic job as a mother, and it's the most important job I've ever done. But I do feel guilty whenever I see someone with a new born baby. I have a very close friend, her name is Kay and she has a very beautiful daughter called Everly. Everly was born about 4 months after Sidney, and she is a delight. The first time Gianni and I met her she was a few days old. I looked at her asleep and snuggled up with my gorgeous friend, and just felt riddled with guilt that I hadn't felt the same contentedness with my son. It broke my heart, and I made a vow that if we are lucky enough to have another baby some day, that I would not suffer with PND again, and feel the same levels of content with our next baby.
It was only after leaving, and looking at Sid, and being filled with the most amazing levels of love for him, that I realised I was not a bad person for suffering from post natal depression. It can affect us all, and we should not feel guilty. I love and enjoy my little boy now more than I've ever loved anything, and if that took me a couple of months or a couple of years, guilt should not play a part.
I plan on spending the rest of my life enjoying every second with my gorgeous little boy, regardless of the feelings I had sometimes at the start. And I will feel that love without guilt, and without regret, because I AM a great Mother, and Sidney is my whole heart. I wouldn't change my life if I could.
